Sniff Sniff.
‘Ohh, bacon ... and coffee. God that smells great. I should get up and get some.'
These were the deep and profound thoughts of one Van Ray upon first waking. Then he moved.

"Nuggh," Van mumbled aloud. Moving was a bad thing, a really bad thing. It felt like his head was about to explode. This would be followed shortly by his body disintegrating and sliding off the bed. Except this didn't feel like his bed, too squishy. He opened his eyes to get his bearings.

"Yaah!" a strangled half scream came from Van. He shut his eyes determined to not open them until next week. This was now officially the worst headache he'd ever had and that included the time he'd been pushed head first into a plate glass window. The rest of his body wasn't feeling too good either.

"Van? You okay?" asked a concerned voice.

******************

Deaq had awoken that morning to find himself in a strange situation. At first he felt so warm and cozy that he decided to just enjoy it and go back to sleep. But something kept nagging him. Somewhere in the back of his head he knew there was something he should remember. Deaq finally gave up on sleep and moved to stretch. It was then he realized what position he was in, and more importantly, that he wasn't alone. Deaq found himself wrapped around none other than his partner. Not only was he sleeping with Van but, after looking around, he realized they were in the Candy Store. In plain sight no less.

‘Oh. My. God,' Deaq thought.

Deaq found it odd that his first concern was not really what he was doing but rather where he was doing it. What, like he would have been fine with the situation if they weren't on display to Billie or Captain Parish? Actually, yes. He realized he wasn't all that freaked out by who he was with, just that it wasn't private. Of course that probably wouldn't be Van's reaction to the situation. It was one thing to take physical comfort from another when you were strung out, but when Van awoke and was in his right mind he'd probably flip out at the very idea that they had ended up sleeping together on the couch. But it felt so right to him - not weird at all. Deaq wanted to stay there laying on the sofa with Van in his arms forever, but if his partner awoke to that he'd probably try to kill him. ‘Guy's just don't do that sort of thing. Well, straight ones anyway.' And Deaq was straight. He liked the ladies just fine. ‘Right. That's why you have morning wood and a man in your arms,' his mind screamed at him. Too much to consider first thing in the morning. This early he probably shouldn't be examining deep issues, like redefining himself just because of one night.

Deaq made his decision and got off the couch, careful to not wake Van. He probably didn't need to be that careful because Van was still deeply under, no doubt from his frantic activities the night before. As he rearranged his partner so he wouldn't fall off the side Deaq thanked God he had worn baggy pants. If Billie showed up in the next few minutes he would have been really embarrassed if she had any idea what was going on.

*****************************

Billie watched Deaq from her office. He was being so gentle resettling Van. Yup, something was going on and those baggy pants weren't hiding anything. Billie had thought that nothing sexual had happened between them last night, but now she wasn't so sure.

She stepped out of her office just as Deaq was finishing up. He looked at her, obviously just now realizing she was here. He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Actually, it was a cute look on him. Billie thought it was similar to a look Deaq had jokingly referred to as his "uh-oh face."

"Billie, I, uh... we," Deaq stammered. It was unusual to find him so startled and embarrassed. Deaq was usually the calm and collected one. Billie was surprised how adorable Deaq was with his mouth opening and closing in a fish like way as words totally escaped him. Adorable, but still definitely not her type. Deciding that she had let him suffer long enough she said, "Meet me in the kitchen in five and I'll fill you in about the bust last night. You can explain to me what happened here."

*****************************

"... so then SWAT moved in and that was it," Billie finished. She and Deaq were in the kitchen area. Normally they would have been meeting in the office or drinking their coffee in the main area but they didn't want to wake Van up. Also, they were making breakfast. If one of them was hungry they would usually raid the cereal supply. There were always boxes of Lucky Charms Coco Puffs and Frosted Flakes in the cupboard. Today, however, Billie thought they should take the time to make some proper food since Van would likely be starving when he got up. Better he get yelled at on a full stomach.

"You had to share the bust then?" asked Deaq.

"Yeah, but it's okay, they didn't have much we could have confiscated anyway. I'm just glad we got that crap off the street before anyone else took it. They were bragging how it would become the newest craze in rave drugs. Bastards."

Deaq knew that Billie really had it in for anyone who dealt drugs, especially those who peddled to teens. Even if the case added nothing to the Candy Store's kitty, if it brought down a drug dealer, it was a total success in Billie's book.

"So what happened with Van last night?" Billie decided to just get straight to the point.

Deaq's answer was cut short when they heard a garbled yelp of pain coming from the main room. Finding Van with his eyes squeezed closed and a grimace on his face Deaq asked, "Van? You okay?"

"Kill me now. Please."

Billie looked down at Van. The guy looked truly pathetic lying there, face all scrunched up in pain, dried blood on his shirt and bandages on his hands. Billie almost felt almost sorry for him. Almost.

"Get up, take a shower and get your sorry ass in the kitchen. You've got ten minutes," Billie ordered, using the commands to cover her concern. "And do something about your hair. It looks even more gross than usual." With that last barb, Billie left and returned to the kitchen.

"And here I was thinking she'd be pissed with me," Van said, voice full of sarcasm.

"Go clean up. I'll help Billie," Deaq said fast on Billie's heels. He needed a little longer to think about what he was going to say to Van about last night. When he entered the kitchen he found Billie, spatula in hand, waiting for him.

"What happened last night after I left?" she asked. Seeing Deaq look to the doorway she said, "He'll be a few minutes, now spill."

Deaq took a deep breath and began to fill her in.

*************************

‘Hmm. Deaq's avoiding me. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone with me. This is NOT good,' thought Van. He slowly rose from the couch and stood, swaying for a moment as his pounding head adjusted to the increase in altitude. He then trudged off to the bathroom.

‘No wonder, after last night. I can't believe I lost it like that in front of him.'

Van had pretty fragmented memories of the previous night but did clearly remember bawling like a little kid in front of his partner. Actually on his partner's front, since Deaq had held him while he cried. Van hadn't cried in front of another man in years and even then it had been at a close friend's funeral. Last night had been...

‘A disaster, admit it the whole thing was one big mess.'

He kicked the door closed behind him and faced the mirror. The man looking back at him looked like he'd been on a week-long bender. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. He was very pale and appeared on have aged about five years over night. Billie was right, his hair looked really gross. The greasy, stringy mat of long hair stuck to his head on one side and stood nearly straight out on the other.

‘Well, that's what you get when you spend the night high on ... whatever the hell that stuff was.'

Van remembered the cola he had swiped from Billie's desk last night. He hadn't thought much about it until later, when he and Deaq had been watching a movie. Van remembered feeling a little weird at first. He had quickly begun to feel very jittery and, just before his thoughts spiraled out of control into a disjointed mess, had realized that some kind of drug must have entered his system. The cola was the only thing he could figure as the cause. He'd been with Deaq the whole time so it wasn't like he'd been slipped anything and the soda was the only thing he had consumed for a few hours before.

Van leaned closer to the mirror for a better look at the mess he was, bracing himself with his hands on the counter top. When he put even the slightest pressure on them he pulled back and yelped in pain. Van tried bending his wrists and was rewarded by sharp pain in both.

‘Great. I've managed to hurt my wrists too.'

The funny thing was he couldn't seem to remember how he'd done it. He was going to have to ask Deaq about that. That and many other things.

Van pulled his tight shirt over his head, an action that further bothered his wrists. Looking at the blood stained white material he decided it was a loss and tossed it to the small garbage can in the corner. Of course he completely missed but figured since it landed in the general area that was good enough. Considering Billie was already pissed with him maybe he ought to ...

‘Nah.'

After a hot shower Van felt only slightly better. His pounding head hadn't improved any but at least he was clean. The bandages on his hands had become all water logged so he'd pulled them off about half way through his shower. The bruising was quite dark already. The cuts weren't too bad but they would definitely need to be cleaned and covered again. As for his wrists, they were really painful and probably sprained. Washing his hair had really hurt because of the necessary bending. Actually just about every action that required his hands hurt and Van was half considering walking naked back to the couch and crashing. Right, like he wasn't in enough trouble already with both of them. Damn, even that stupid cut he got last week just under his neck was hurting again. Van grabbed a towel and began slowly and painfully drying off.

Billie would chew him out for sure, but if he could flash puppy dog eyes maybe she wouldn't really bust his balls. Besides it wasn't like he'd never screwed up before. He knew the drill, just wasn't looking forward to her loud voice reverberating in his throbbing head.

Deaq, well that was another matter. Van still couldn't believe how he'd cried in front of Deaq. Even at Dre's funeral he hadn't cried. He remembered being out in that open cemetery, bright sunny day. He and Deaq hadn't exchanged any words and had just stood on opposite ends of the receiving line. Van had assumed at the time that Deaq was mad that he was even there considering it was Van's fault Andre had died. He figured Deaq was just tolerating his presence out of respect for his dead brother. They had left the funeral separately without so much as a see you later.

Van got totally drunk that night, alone at his place. He had seriously considered using his gun one last time. He had failed Dre, let him get killed. He hadn't even managed to get revenge by killing his shooter. Sure the guy was dead but it wasn't by his hand. Heck, he'd even tried to talk Deaq out of shooting the bastard. In the end Kane was dead but neither of the people who should have killed him did it. That was his fault. He had thought it was no wonder Deaq wouldn't talk to him at the funeral. First, he got the man's brother killed then he'd stopped Deaq from getting his revenge. Some how Deaq's rejection of Van at the funeral had been the last straw. Van still remembered with disturbing clarity sitting in his living room bottle in one hand and his loaded gun in the other. The only thing that had stopped him from blowing his brains out was that he thought he owed Deaq some kind of apology before he left.

They had let Cassidy go after she killed Andre's murderer. On the long walk back into the city they had agreed to meet at the Candy Store the day after Andre's funeral. Having recovered the missing evidence money they had parted on what seemed like good terms but after the funeral Van was convinced that Deaq blamed him for Andre's death.

Van had made the decision to postpone killing himself until he told Deaq how sorry he was for failing him and his brother. He vaguely remembered spending most of the rest of the night throwing up from all the alcohol and anxiety. The next day when he arrived at the Candy Store Deaq was already there and announced to him that Billie offered him a job and he was staying. He didn't even seem mad at Van. Van had been so surprised he was unable to say what he planned to to Deaq about how sorry he was. Instead of saying a farewell and an apology then going back to his place to end it all he'd been given a new partner. Van still couldn't understand why Deaq had stayed and for awhile he had tried to hint that it would be better if the man just leave. But quickly the two had become partners and now Van couldn't bear the thought of losing Deaq. But his actions last night may have so disgusted Deaq that ...

‘No. He'll be mad but he won't ditch me. I don't think Deaq would leave me for screwing up last night. He stayed after I made bigger mistakes. But what if this is the last straw?'

As Van's thoughts raced and his apprehension grew he realized he would have to go out there and face Deaq. He grabbed his rumpled jeans and with some difficulty pulled them on. He got the zipper about half way up before giving up on it. He had managed to reopen some of the cuts on his fingers so he grabbed a couple of small towels and wrapped them around his hands. Well now there was no way he could do his hair. Such a tease since he had finally managed to get all the necessary products here, well everything except for the frozen wax but that wasn't absolutely necessary.

‘Screw it. It's about time they find out what it looks like without all the stuff in it.'

Van shook his head back and forward several times to help dry his hair a bit. Water droplets now dotted the mirror but Van didn't notice as he left the room.

******************

"And then I woke up and he was still sleepin' in my arms," Deaq finished telling Billie about what had happened.

"How did you feel about that?" Billie asked him. She suspected she knew the answer but thought that perhaps Deaq couldn't admit it to himself.

"It felt right. I felt right. It should be wrong shouldn't it? I mean guys don't do that. They don't sleep together like that. But he felt so right with me, like he belonged there just like he belongs beside me when we workin'." Deaq paused and took a deep breath. "I just don't know Billie."

Billie decided to steer the conversation away a bit to give Deaq a break. "Do you think he still blames himself for Andre's death?" Billie had never discussed Deaq's brother's death with either of them. Considering that it almost never came up she suspected that neither of them had come to terms with it. "It sounds like that's what he was upset about last night."

Deaq thought in silence staring at the table top like he was looking for answers in the grain. "I don't know how he feels, we never talk ‘bout it. Last night he was so confused. He couldn't see why I stayed." Deaq sighed deeply, "He doesn't know I couldn't leave."

Billie leaned across the table and grabbed Deaq's hand in her own. He looked at her with big, brown, confused and sorrowful eyes. "Talk to him. Listen to him and make him listen to you. Deal with what happened to Andre together. Until you two do that you can't go any farther with other things."

"Other things?"

"You know what I mean. If there's really something between you two, if you really feel strongly about him and like you said it ‘feels that right' then take care of Andre's death. Until he knows you don't blame him and you're not going to leave you can't go any farther or get any closer."

"You'd be okay with that. I mean if we did ... I don't know, go farther?"

"I told you before I was totally cool with it. I was serious then and I'm serious now."

"I don't even know what I'm thinking here. He was right out of it last night. Just because he was cool with being close last night doesn't mean he will be now. Hell I don't know if I'M okay with it. Don't even know what IT is! Don't know what I'm doin' here."

Billie let his hand go and straightened up in her chair. "One thing at a time Deaq. There's no rush. Talk to him, he'll let you know how he feels, he always does if you give him the chance. I've seen the way he looks at you. He loves you, now you just need to find out HOW he loves you.

"That simple, huh?" Deaq asked clearly not believing her.

"That's how you start," she said confidently.

"Billie, thanks. I know you my boss, but you also-"

Billie interrupted him. "Don't say it Deaq. I AM your boss and it's part of my job to make sure my men work well together. I'm just helping a good working team communicate more effectively," Billie said with a smile on her face, knowing she was doing a lot more than that and it wasn't just work that prompted her to help.

"Right," Deaq said understanding she didn't want it said aloud that this was about more than working relationships. Sometimes it was all about things left unsaid.

******************

Van made his way across the Candy Store clad only in his jeans and the two towels he'd wrapped around his hands. As he glanced at the couch it stirred a memory of the previous night:

He'd been sitting on that couch and Deaq had been cleaning and bandaging his hands. Only he thought it was Dre at first. He remembered Deaq asking him, "Van, why didn't you ever let me help you patch up before?"

He also remembered his response, "You'll think I'm a sissy. Dad used to say a man takes care of his own cuts. Caught Mom cleaning my knee once after I fell and he told me I was a sissy boy."

But was that the truth? Yeah, it was but it certainly wasn't the whole truth. How could he tell Deaq that he wanted his touch more than anything? That to have him so close but not feeling the same way was too painful to stand, a far deeper pain than that of any physical wound.

*************

Deaq looked out the doorway to see Van standing there staring at the couch, seemingly deep in thought or lost in his memories. The look on his face was one of deep concentration and something else that Deaq couldn't identify but did recognize as not happy.

‘Shit. He's remembering how we spent the night. He's probably disgusted with himself and with me. Especially with me ‘cause at least he can blame it on the drugs. Hell, he probably thinks I'm some kind of pervert taking advantage. How can I explain I only slept there to comfort him? Well, maybe not just for him, it felt great for me too.'

Billie watched Deaq stare at Van who in turn was staring at the couch.

‘Great, this could last all day. Ugh, men! Time for the boss to take charge,' she thought.

Billie pushed past Deaq, who had been blocking the doorway. "Van, how are your hands doing?"

Van pulled himself from his thoughts. "Not bad, I just need to cover them again," he said raising them, still wrapped in the towels.

"Well sit down. I'll do it for you. If you do it yourself you'll probably tape your hands together," she said trying to be light in tone but probably failing.

"No, it's okay. I'll take care of it, no big deal."

"SIT!" Billie commanded. She felt satisfied when he did just that. When it came to crunch time Van would do what he was told. It was one of the reasons she could tolerate all his obnoxious behavior and dramatics. Van might have his problems but he was very good at doing what he was told when it mattered most.

While Billie went to retrieve the first aid kit Deaq finally got himself to move.

"Hey," Deaq said sitting down beside Van on the couch. He looked straight ahead, not at Van. "You doing okay, man?"

‘Does he mean am I going to start crying like a pussy again or am I okay physically?' Van thought. He decided to avoid answering. "You know you've asked me that more times in the last 24 hours than total for the whole time I've known you?"

"Yeah, well, you've given me more reason to ask than before," Deaq said to justify himself. Turning serious Deaq turned to sit sideways on the sofa and face Van. "We gotta talk about last night." On seeing Billie returning he said, "Later a'ight?"

Van gulped nervously and nodded. ‘Great, he won't let it go. He's probably gonna kick my ass, or worse yet find a new partner. And to top it off my head still feels like it's about to explode. Oh, and fabulous here's Billie to make me feel like a total loser who can't handle himself.'

Deaq was pleased that Van agreed they needed to talk. Now all he had to do was figure what to say. Simple, right?

Billie sat down on the edge of the coffee table and began removing the towels from Van's hands.

"Deja vu," said Van feeling the need to fill the quite moment. He was about to let his mouth just start going on about whatever it wanted when Billie pulled the bloody towel completely off his first hand. It really hurt and he stifled a whimper. After she could fully inspect the damage Billie tried to bend his hand down a bit at the wrist.

"Ow! Don't!"

"Sorry," Billie replied sounding honestly apologetic for causing him more pain. "You sprained this wrist and probably the other one too. Look how swollen it is. What were you trying to do Van, break them?" Billie ended sounding irritated at him, basically how she usually sounded when she spoke to him.

"No ... I don't know. I was ... I just ..." Van didn't have the first clue how to answer her since he couldn't even remember how he had got the injuries in the first place.

Deaq suddenly had an idea, "Van, how much of last night do you remember?" If Van couldn't remember last night then they could just let it go. No memory, no problem. Van had been asleep when Deaq got up that morning so if he didn't remember sharing the sofa with his partner the night before then everything would be okay. Of course Deaq would have to spend the rest of his life trying to forget how perfect Van had felt in his arms, pressed against his body, but he could do that right?

"Um, well, it's all kinda mixed up," Van answered hesitantly.

Deaq sighed. That didn't narrow things down much. He stood up to walk around a bit.

‘Great. Now he's mad at me. Am I supposed to remember something? Or does he expect me to forget?' thought Van, more confused than ever. He decided to ask Deaq how he'd hurt his hands. Maybe Deaq would fill him in on the rest. Deaq had said he wanted to talk about last night so Van figured maybe if Deaq filled in some of the holes in his memory he'd figure the rest out for himself.

"You did some serious bareknuckle boxing with the bag upstairs," Deaq filled him in as he paced around, stretching his legs.

"Wait. This is just from me hitting the punching bag?" Van couldn't see how he could have done this much damage just from that.

"Yeah, you went at it pretty hard. I'm sorry, man. I should have checked on you sooner."

"‘S okay. It'll heal. Right Billie?" Van asked wanting Deaq to hear from someone other than him that it was no big deal.

Billie, still taping up Van's hands, answered, "Yes, you'll be fine. But you're probably not going to be doing any boxing for a while though.

Van in his best falsetto, damsel in distress voice, "Oh, no! Who will defend me from all the bad guys?"

Billie laughed a bit and said, "What makes you think it's just BAD GUYS you need to worry about?"

"Meaning?" asked Van. He suspected he knew where she was going with this.

"Meaning you are in some serious shit with ME."

‘Uh, oh,' thought Van. "Okay so you're planning on hitting me for screwing up?" he asked knowing full well that wasn't the case.

"No, but believe me you're in for a serious dressing down," Billie said sounding serious. At the same time as she practically threatened Van she was also gently bandaging his hand, taking care not to jostle his damaged wrists. Billie hoped it didn't take away from the seriousness of her words. She was still angry about what Van had done and, though she had absolutely no intention of admitting it to the guys, she was also very relieved nothing worse had happened.

"So, you gonna help me out here or leave me to face the one woman firing squad all by myself here? Deaq?" Van had been joking but received no response from Deaq. Suddenly he heard Deaq's voice from right behind him.

"Billie, come look at this," Deaq said, his tone serious.

Van turned his head to face Deaq and noticed the look of concern on his face.

"What, man? What is it?" he asked Deaq nervously.

Billie came to stand behind the sofa with Deaq.

"Oh my God! Van why didn't you say something about this?" she said.

Van jumped up and turned around to face them. "What? What is it? What did I do?"

"That cut, the one below you neck, it's all infected," Billie said. "Didn't you even know?"

"Well it's been itchy and it hurt but I didn't think it was a big problem," Van said sheepishly.

"Sit down and I'll see if I can fix it or if you need to go see a doctor," Billie said.

Van sat down. "A doctor? It's just a little cut."

Deaq was ticked now. "It WAS a ‘just little cut.' Now it's a lot worse, Van. Why you gotta be so stubborn?"

"I don't know. I thought I could take care of it myself."

Billie started poking at the cut. It was very puffy and red.

"Van, I think there's still a piece of glass in here," Billie said after inspecting the cut farther.

"Well pull it out then!" Van said getting irritated. He was feeling very uncomfortable with them fussing over him, especially for so long.

"Hold still," Billie instructed him. She poked with tweezers and reopened the wound then yanked out a chunk of glass about the size of a bottle cap.

Deaq watched Billie pull the glass out and felt queezy. He didn't gross out easily but knowing that was digging in his partner's back for the last week bothered him.

"Damn, that's huge," Deaq remarked.

"Okay, show me," Van said. "Now I just have to see it."

Billie showed him the glass chunk still held in the tweezers.

"Oh, gross! THAT was stuck in me! No wonder it kept hurting."

"Well it wouldn't have hurt if you'd just let us help you in the first place," Deaq said hoping this would finally convince Van that it made sense to let them help out when he got hurt.

"Okay, you know what, I get it. Next time I get a paper cut I'll come whining to you guys, okay?" Van said being sarcastic.

Deaq decided to treat it as if he were being honest. He suspected this was Van giving in and agreeing with them in his own way. "Good, we understand each other then."

Billie put some cream on the cut and covered it with a bandage. "You'll have to keep putting stuff on in or it's just going to get worse, Van." She handed to tube to Deaq. "Deaq's going to help you with that. Between your hands and where this is you're going to need someone else to help. So let him help GOT IT?" Billie finished in a tone that was a lot more commanding than questioning. She gave Deaq a wink. Tossing all the stuff back in the first aid kit Billie said, "Come on, let's get some breakfast while it's still hot."

***********

After breakfast, Billie kicked Deaq out of the kitchen. He was hesitant to leave when he knew Billie was probably about to tear into Van. Not that he wanted to get yelled at too, but Deaq figured Billie would REALLY give Van a hard time if he wasn't there. Now if Van had done something stupid and pissed him off he wouldn't really care that Billie was about to give his partner a bitching but Deaq wasn't mad about what had happened the night before. Confused maybe but not mad. He picked up the basketball and started doing lay ups to keep him mind off what was happening to his partner in the other room.

Billie set a coffee cup in front of Van. He was staring at the table top the exact same way Deaq had been earlier.

"So I can have coffee now?" asked Van. Earlier when he'd asked and Billie had told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to have anything with caffeine in it just in case there were still traces of the drugs in his system. He wondered if maybe Billie was just insisting on no coffee so he'd have a caffeine withdrawal headache to add to his drug hangover headache.

"No," Billie said. "It's water. You want to get rid of that headache you'd better drink a lot of water."

"Oh, I get it. You just put it in a coffee cup to tease me, right? Jeez Billie, you really have the torture thing down pat. What's next? Bamboo under the finger nails during the lecture?"

Billie turned to face away from Van. It was either that or she was really going to start yelling at him. He knew how to get under her skin and while she'd decided not to chew him out over last night Billie found herself reconsidering as he bugged her. She let out a deep sigh and turned around to face Van, ready to give him one more chance. Seeing his face, Billie knew she'd made the right choice. He may have been talking like he was joking but there was more fear, confusion, and apprehension there than there should have been. The problem was Billie didn't know if Van was worried about what she was going to say about last night or what Deaq's reaction was.

"Van," she began slowly. "I'm not torturing you. I'm not going to yell at you even, although as your boss I probably should. And I used a coffee cup because I figured you would probably be able to hold that easier." She motioned to Van's bandaged hands and wrists.

Van looked down at his hands then up to Billie who had just taken her seat across the table. "So, what, you're going to be nice to me now? Look, I know I messed up last night but you don't have to play head games with me, okay? Just go ahead and yell at me already."

"I'm not going to yell at you. Probably wouldn't do any good anyway. Do you still feel guilty about what happened to Andre?"

"Where did that come from?" Van asked suspiciously. If she had surprised him by not yelling she was shocking him with this abrupt change of topics.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to just bring it up like that but you and Deaq have to work things out. What happened to Andre, what you two feel about it, it's getting in the way."

"And you know this how? I mean we, Deaq and me, we don't talk about it, like ever." Billie gave Van a look at this. "Okay, so maybe we haven't talked about it. That doesn't mean it's a problem."

"Really? You're fine with what happened? You think Deaq is?"

This pissed Van off and he found himself up and pacing around the kitchen before he was even aware of it. "Of course I'm not okay with what happened! Dre was my partner and I got him killed. I-I mean he got killed. And ..." Van sighed deeply. He continued, now more quietly, staring down at the table top, "I'm not okay with it."

"And Deaq?"

"I don't know. I can't see how he can stand me, to-to be with me. I mean it's, um, it was my fault. I didn't keep Dre safe, I wasn't there for him. I don't know how Deaq can trust me to be his partner."

"Go talk about it with him."

"Yeah, like it's so simple," Van said, his voice full of defeat.

"Well it's a start," Billie said, voice full of resolve.

"So, why the big push for us to deal with this all that sudden? I mean Deaq and I, we've been getting on fine. Hell, look at the crap I must have put him through last night. I just keep thinkin' if I bring it up, if I bring Andre up he'll realize that he doesn't want to be here, that he doesn't want to be with me. I-I mean working with me."

The slip wasn't missed by Billie, but she decided not to call him on it. It wasn't like she hadn't already figured that Van loved his partner. It was obvious enough to her, even if both Van and Deaq were unsure about their feeling toward each other.

"I just think it's better if I don't bring it up," Van said softly.

"Right," Billie said a touch sarcastically. "‘Cause that worked so well with your neck."

"Huh?" Van asked. Even as he said it he started to unconsciously reach for the cut.

"That cut you got, why do you think it got so bad?"

"There was glass still in it. You pulled it out yourself." Van didn't follow where she was going with this.

"Yeah, but if you'd taken care of it in the first place it wouldn't have got so bad. Would it?"

"Okay, so what, your trying to say, this thing between Deaq and I, about Dre it's what, all infected? We did something wrong?"

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying if you don't take care of this it's going to get worse."

Van let out a loud sigh. "It hurts you know. Everyday. Like glass diggin' into my heart."

"Then go. Talk to Deaq."

"‘K."

They stayed there in the kitchen. The only sounds were the hum of the refrigerator and the basketball bouncing in the main area.

"That was pretty slick, you know?" Van smiled at Billie. "The whole cut/unresolved issues analogy thing. You spend all breakfast thinking that up?"

"Yeah, well at least I didn't start spouting power ballad lyrics about my heart."

"Hey, I was serious, you know?" Van was sounding more defensive than amused now.

"I know," Billie said seriously. "I don't want you feeling like that. Either of you."

"So, can I go now?"

Billie thought it over for a moment. "Van, if you EVER take anything off my desk that you're not supposed to I'll make sure something worse than a headache happens. Get it?" Billie "accidentally" (on purpose) dropped the frying pan into the empty sink where it clanged loudly against the metal sides and bottom. She felt oddly satisfied when Van cringed at the loud sound.

"See, you really did plan on torturing me," Van whined out, half joking. Turning serious he continued, "I'm going to talk to Deaq. Thanks Billie, you know, for making me breakfast, and not yelling at me even though I screwed up and everything." He stopped in the doorway and gave her a last look, "But not for the frying pan in the sink. That was just mean."

Billie watched him walk out then said, really to herself, "Well, I couldn't just totally let you get away with it."

*****************

Deaq steered the car through mid-day traffic. As much as they had bitched about being forced to take the Jetta, Deaq thought it handled well and was kind of fun to drive. It certainly wasn't on par with most of the really expensive and rare vehicles they drove. Billie had been clear that they were to use only that car until further notice.

"Until I see that you can keep your paws off things you aren't supposed to be touching THIS is your new wheels. Go ahead, take it for a test drive. Go! I need some peace and quiet around here," Billie had said snarkily.

Deaq looked over to find Van deep in thought, oblivious to the traffic around them. Blue tinted glasses cast a shadow over Van's eyes but Deaq could still see that Van was staring out the window but not focusing on anything.

‘Good thing I didn't let him drive. Looks like he'd plow us into a wall without noticing.'

Deaq didn't know what was going on in his partner's head. Billie had told him they needed to deal with their feelings about Andre's death. It was something Deaq would much rather not bring up but he knew she was right. If they didn't get things straightened away between them now it would only cause more problems later.

‘Straightened away. Hmm, wonder why you chose that expression?' Deaq stopped his train of thoughts before he began arguing with himself. ‘Just gonna let that go for now. Bigger problems to deal with.'

Bigger problems being the man sitting beside him.

Deaq knew that he had a lot of mixed feelings about his brother's death. Some of that had to do with Van but some really didn't. While Deaq would have preferred to just let this go he knew Billie was right, that if they didn't resolve this then it would eventually become a wedge between them. Plus there was the whole last night thing they still had to discuss.

Deaq was feeling overwhelmed. He wasn't a really "touchie-feelie-share-your-feelings type of guy. If something like this came up, something important and emotional with Van and him, they usually went up into the theater seats and talked it over. There was something about not having to make eye contact that made things easier. The expanse of open space helped too. Deaq knew they were about to talk about some heavy stuff that both would probably sooner just not mention. He only hopped that his location choice proved to be a good one.

**********************

Van hadn't bothered to ask where they we're driving to. His thoughts drifted to one of the last conversations a few days before Andre was killed.

"This you gettin' all sentimental one me, now?" he'd said to Andre, wearing a shit-eating grin as he said it.

"What I'm saying is, I've finally got you with morals good enough to be a Hayes. Wasn't easy. Took you long enough," Andre said. His voice so even that it would be impossible for anyone listening in to know how the statement was intended. "Van, you charm my Mama and my father respects you. You're a good kid and becoming one hell of a cop. I trust you like family."

"So does this mean I'm like adopted into the clan now? ‘Cause you know, I might look a little suspicious at family reunions, what with the lack of deep tan and all."

Andre had laughed at that one. He looked over at Van, taking in the long, messy hair, cheesy grin and clothes in colors he'd rarely seen outside of the circus. "No, you really wouldn't fit in."

"Wait, if you think I'm like family, then does that mean I'm never gonna get to date any of your sisters?"

Looking amused Andre said, "Van, if that's what it takes to keep you away from my sisters then consider yourself a member of the Hayes family."

"Cool, I have siblings," Van said, sounding almost excited by the prospect.

Andre had noticed the tone in Van's voice and realized that the man was taking this rather seriously. He had certainly meant what he'd said, that Van was as close as family, but it only then started to dawn on him how important it was to Van to hear that.

"Wow, like five minutes ago I was an only child. Now I have four sisters and a brother. I mean two brothers, sorry."

Van tried not to bring up the subject of Andre's brother. He knew it still preyed on Andre's mind and he figured it was better to just let his partner talk about it when he wanted.

Andre had let out a deep sigh and looked out at the ocean. "I still worry about Deaqon. Don't know who's looking out for him. I hope he can take care of himself."

"Hey, man, I'm sure he's doing fine. You still check up on him."

Turning to face Van he'd said, "I do. But I'd feel better knowing he had someone he trusted to watch his back. If I knew he had..."

Andre didn't finish the thought. He'd noticed someone approaching them.

"Heads up, Van. There's Cassidy."

Back in the car Van shook himself out of the vivid memory. He hadn't thought about that conversation since he'd seen Andre die. ‘Weird. Maybe I just blocked it out or something.' Van felt the car coming to a stop. He looked out the window and immediately recognized where they were though he hadn't seen this place since the day they had buried Dre. It was the Peaceful Hope Cemetery.

Just as the day of Andre Hayes' funeral, the sun was shining as strong as ever. The bright light sparkled off the marble tombstones and lit the cemetery in a way that seemed wrong in it's shiny obviousness. It seemed like there should be a perpetual shadow over the plots yet it was as bright as everything else in California.

Deaq drove through the narrow "streets" to where Andre was buried. He stopped the car and noticed that Van had roused himself from his thoughts. Deaq got out of the car and waited for Van, who took a bit longer on account of his bandaged hands. They walked silently down the row of graves.

"So, you come here a lot?" Van asked. Considering Deaq managed to navigate the twisted path from the entrance without any errors, Van figured Deaq was familiar with the cemetery.

"Naw, I haven't been here since the funeral," Deaq admitted. He knew there was guilt in his voice and he didn't try to mask it. The path to Andre's grave was burned into his mind forever, just like the funeral was.

"Look, if you want some time without me here I could, uh, come back and pick you up later or something."

"No," Deaq said. "Van, I brought you here so we could talk."

Van felt his mouth suddenly go dry. "Uh, okay." ‘Great. He brought me here so he can SHOW me what a screw-up I was. Still am. Go ahead, rub it in. I deserve it,' Van thought.

They walked in silence for a few paces.

"Last night," Deaq began.

Van interrupted, "Look I know I'm a fuck-up man. I really didn't mean for that to happen. I just, I got confused and I..."

"Last night," he continued. "That's not why we're here. Well, not exactly why we're here," Deaq said remembering Van's comments from the previous night.

He'd said, "Deaq, I, I'm sorry I screwed up. I didn't want to get Dre killed. I swear. You're - he's not here and I ... I, it's my fault."

"I know you feel guilty ‘bout what happened to Andre."

"What makes you think you know about it?" Van asked angrily. For the moment he forgot that he believed Deaq must secretly blame him for Dre's death.

"He was your partner. You cared about him, right?"

"Of course I did!" Van snapped back defensively.

"Then you would do whatever you had to to protect him, right?"

"Yes! But it wasn't enough!" Van said.

"So, you DID do everythin' you could."

"Well, yeah, but look what good it did. He's dead, Deaq. I fucked up and he died, man. This doesn't change anything!"

Deaq spun around on his heel to face Van and block his path. "No, it changes everything! Do you get it, Van? Yes, Andre died. Yes, you were there. But you couldn't stop it and you sure as hell didn't cause it!"

Van selectively heard what he wanted from what Deaq said. "You're right, Deaq," he said darkly. "I didn't stop it."

"But you tried. I KNOW you did."

"You weren't even there!" Van yelled back.

Deaq felt the words hit him harder than any punch ever could. He closed his eyes and just stayed still for a moment. He could hear Van moving down the gravel path, his boots crunching in the stones. Then he heard the footsteps growing louder as Van turned and walked back to him.

"I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean that you shoulda been, that-that you could have known..."

"I wasn't there. Whole damn time I wasn't there. In New York, I shoulda been here."

"Deaq, you-you couldn't have known it was going to go down like that. Hell, I didn't know what was going to happen. You gotta believe me man I tried to keep Dre safe. I tried to be a good partner."

"I know you were, Van" Deaq said softly.

Van wanted to again blurt out that Deaq wouldn't know but he held his tongue lest he make things worse.

"I know you loved my brother. I know you were the best partner. I didn't talk to him for NINE YEARS but I KNOW you watched his back, took care of him."

"How?"

"Because you watch mine. Because you take care of me. Because you lo-" Deaq stopped short of what he was going to say. He sighed. "Van, I don't blame you for Andre gettin' killed. I want to thank you for bein' good to him, for being there when I wasn't, for-for takin' my place."

"Deaq, I didn't take your place. I wasn't Andre's brother. You were, man. You ARE."

"Naw, man. You were there for him, when it mattered. I was just a name on a family tree."

"No, way. You were so much more. He kept tabs on you. He followed what you did. He cared about you, man. He talked about you."

"Then why don't we talk about HIM?" Deaq asked, finally articulating the question they had both been wondering but couldn't bring themselves to say.

Van sighed deeply. "Because I feel guilty about getting him killed and you feel guilty for not being there for him." Van paused then continued, "I thought you blamed me for his death. You didn't even talk to me at the funeral."

"It wasn't about you, Van. I had a lot goin' on with my family. I just couldn't throw you in the mix then too. But I didn't blame you then and I don't now."

"I know, now. And you should know even though you weren't here, in L.A., you were there for him. In his thoughts, man."

"Not enough, I shoulda been here."

"Why? You'd have done a better job? Been a better partner than I was?"

"I didn't say that."

"Well then," Van said lamely, not sure what else to say. "You gave him hope, man. You'll never know how important you were to him. You meant a lot to him, believe me."

They had reached Andre's grave. There were no flowers on it. Van looked over at Deaq. The expression on his face was unreadable.

"Deaq, man, I'm just gonna give ya a few minutes alone here, okay?" Van said and started to walk away.

"You don't have to go," Deaq said, voice sounding strained.

"Yeah I do."

"I told you I don't blame you."

"Well, I need a few minutes to figure what I'm going to say, alright?" Van figured it was half true. He did want to think about what he should say to Dre. He also wanted to give Deaq some privacy. They might be partners but Van knew Deaq still needed some time alone with his brother.

Van wandered over to a nearby flower garden and wandered around, keeping his eye on Deaq.

Deaq sat down on a wooden bench in at the foot of Andre's grave. He hadn't really figured on saying anything but it seemed like a good idea, like maybe if he gave voice to some of his thoughts he could wrap his mind around them better.

"Hey, Andre. It's me, Deaq, your brother. We, uh, we didn't talk for a while so I thought maybe you wouldn't recognize my voice. I, uh, I'm sorry you got killed. I should've been there for you. You saved my life, turned it around. I'd probably be dead, killed by some gang banger or somethin'. I was so mad at you. But I figured it out, you know? One day I understood why you did what you did, why you sent me to New York. I should've called you then, told you I understood, told you I loved you. If there's one thing I wish I could tell you it's that I know WHY you did it. I know you sent me away because you cared about me. I should've said something when I could. I just wish I could tell you now."

Deaq could nearly hear his brother's response, "You do, Deaqon. Everyday, in everything you do, every person you help, every criminal you bust. Every time you talk to Van, I know. I know little brother, I know."

It didn't matter to Deaq that they were nothing more than thoughts in his head, words he wished he could hear, a voice lost to him. Just having said it he felt better, like things were resolved, at least as much as they ever could be. He still felt guilty about his time away, about not talking to his brother, but the guilt now felt more manageable, like he could live with it. He didn't feel like it was weighing him down. All he felt was sad that his brother was gone and that he'd never get to talk to him again.

"I waited too long. I should have told you. You were my brother and I DID let you down. But I won't do that with Van. I won't wait until it's too late to tell him. He was your partner and you must've cared about him. Don't worry Andre, I'll watch over him."

Deaq stood up and looked around for Van. He spotted him some distance away. On seeing Deaq looking for him Van returned. He walked up to Deaq. He was holding two flowers, both beautifully spotted tiger lilies that he'd picked from the nearby garden.

"They looked the most masculine," Van said by way of explanation. He placed one at the bottom of the tombstone and handed the other to Deaq who did the same.

"I'll be near," Deaq said and walked away.

Van didn't want to ask Deaq to leave and was pleased that he chose to give him some space. He didn't want Deaq to hear what he had to say to Dre. Van sat down on the bench and ran a hand nervously through his hair. Or, rather, he tried to but was stopped short when the bandage didn't allow him to bend his wrist much. He dropped his wounded hands into his lap and laughed softly.

"Still managed to hurt myself. What would you say about this one?" Van leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "I messed up bad, Dre. I should have saved you like you always did for me. I swear to God man if I'd known about Kane, that he was there, I would've stopped it. I didn't know, man. I-I didn't know and you-you told me to go and I... I fucked up and I'm sorry but I can't change it now no matter what I do. I should've been a better partner for you." Van sniffed a bit. "But you know what? I won't mess it up with Deaq. I'll watch him, I'll keep him safe. You told me you'd feel better knowing Deaq had someone he trusted to watch his back. I'm probably the last person in the world he should trust like that considering what happened to you but he does. He does. You don't have to worry, I'll take care of him. I... I won't fuck this up. I swear Dre, I swear."

Van stopped talking and for the second time in 24 hours found himself crying. It wasn't even like he could blame drugs this time. ‘Unbelievable. You never cry and look at this. Two damn times in two days!' He sniffed again and tried to stop. He took off his sunglasses and quickly wiped his eyes.

"Look at me. What a pussy, right?"

"No, you're not a pussy."

Van jumped to his feet and nearly felt his heart nearly stop before he realized that it was Deaq standing behind him.

"Not nice to sneak up on me like that," Van said. He really wanted to yell at Deaq for scaring him and intruding on what he thought of as a private moment.

"Sorry, got worried. You looked upset."

"You think I'm some crybaby pussy don't you?"

"No, this is heavy shit. I know that."

"I'm not, you know. I mean, I usually don't just start bawling like this."

"It's okay, Van. I don't hold it against you, man."

"No, I really don't. I haven't cried in years. Not ‘till yesterday. I know what you think. You figure I'm one of those ‘emotional types', right? Think I'm sensitive, can't handle things? Well you're wrong. That's not me. I can take it. I can handle anything!" he finished, practically yelling.

Van started walking quickly back up the path toward the car. Deaq gave his brother's grave another look. "Okay, not a crybaby, maybe. But DEFINITELY a drama queen. Did he pull this on you too?" Deaq asked the stone smiling. Turning serious, "I'll come back soon. Bye, Dre."

He followed Van up the path catching up to him.

"Van," he said reaching for the man's shoulder. "You a'right, man?"

Van slowed his pace letting Deaq fall into step beside him.

"I'm not, you know? I mean yeah, I feel stuff, feel bad about stuff. I understand what other people feel, but it doesn't make me some little pussy. I don't cry and I CAN handle the job, people, even you."

"Yeah, I'm gettin' that, Van."

Reaching the car Van turned to Deaq, "Keys."

Deaq reached into his pocket and tossed the keys to Van who caught them, but felt them drop out of his fingers.

"Damn," Van cursed the bandages again.

"You really think you can drive with those on?" Deaq asked him.

"It's not that bad. ‘Sides as soon as the cuts heal a bit I can get the bandages off my fingers. Sucks though."

Van unlocked the car and got in. Deaq walked around the back of the car and climbed in the passenger's side. Van started the car with only minimal difficulty. When he went to put it in gear he chuckled.

"What," asked Deaq.

"This car. I thought Billie was just making us drive it as punishment."

"She's not?"

"Probably that too. But it's automatic. It's the ONLY automatic we have right now." Van held up his bandaged hands. "Get it?"

"Yeah. But you know if we say anything, she'll deny it. Say it was ‘cause we screwed up not ‘cause it was the only one you'd be comfortable driving."

"Yep," Van said as he turned the car around and headed back to the entrance of the cemetery. "Hey, wait, WE didn't screw up last night. It was me, I screwed up."

"This you owning up to something? Finally admitting you ain't right about everything?"

"Yeah, I guess. But really, man, this time it was all my fault. I thought you'd be pissed with me over it. You didn't do anything wrong last night you know."

They exited the cemetery and headed for the freeway.

"No, I DID do something wrong," Deaq said seriously.

"Hey look man, you warned me. If I'd've listened... You tried to stop me from doing something stupid man. And you took real good care of me."

"Yeah, real good care," Deaq said sarcastically. "That's why you got messed up hands and wrists."

"It's no big. I mean it doesn't feel great but I've done worse."

"That's just it, Van. It could've been a lot worse."

"What're you saying?" Van had some rather annoying holes in his memory of the previous night. He had a sinking feeling that what Deaq was referring to might just be one of the things he couldn't remember.

"Last night, you were sittin' on the railing upstairs. You almost fell off."

"Really?" Van couldn't remember it at all.

"Yeah. I pulled you back, kept you from fallin' off."

"Thanks Deaq," Van said seriously.

"Thanks!?! That's it? You're thanking me?" Deaq couldn't believe Van was okay with this.

"Yeah, of course. I don't know what I'd do without you, man."

"Van, I let you go up there!" He motioned to Van's hands, "I let THAT happen. I could have let you get killed. Some partner I was."

"Dude, no. You know what, I don't remember it but I know you kept me safe. I KNOW it man."

"How do you know it, Van? If you don't remember then what do you know!" Deaq said angrily. He was pissed with himself but it came out more like he was just mad in general.

"Because I felt you holding me!" Van snapped out. "Okay? When we were laying on the couch. Yeah, I remember that. You held me like you'd never let me fall over the edge, man." He continued more quietly, "You-you kept me safe. I felt safe. I never feel like that, never sleep like that. I-I never feel secure like I did last night and that's ‘cause of you." He sighed, "You kept me safe, made me feel safe. I know you'd never let me fall over the edge. Any edge."

Deaq didn't know what to say. He had thought that maybe Van didn't remember the questionable sleeping arrangement but it seemed that he did. Moreover Van wasn't upset by it. He sounded like it was important to him. That he liked it, maybe even needed it. Deaq decided to just ask outright.

"So, you cool with last night? I mean that we slept together. I mean on the sofa us, uh, together."

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because, Van, two guys don't do that kind of thing, even if one of them is all messed up on junk. Hell, ESPECIALLY if one of them is messed up."

"So, what, you figured I'd be all pissed or something?"

"I didn't know what you'd say."

"Christ, Deaq! What do you think you were taking advantage of me or something?"

"No..." Deaq said unsurely.

"What the hell would make you think that?" Suddenly it hit Van. He wasn't the only one who liked sharing the sofa. "Did you like it? Did it feel good laying together?"

"What do you want me to say, Van? What!?!" Deaq nearly yelled.

"Tell me," Van said softly. "Tell me you didn't hate it. Tell me you don't hate me for what happened. What you did for me, it meant a lot. You made me feel better. You kept me safe. Look, I'm sorry if it bothered you, okay? If this bothers you. If you want to just forget the whole thing, it's-it's fine. Just say the word and we don't have to talk about it again."

‘Shit. Moment of truth here,' Deaq thought. He'd told Andre that he wouldn't wait until it was too late to tell Van.

"Last night, this mornin' when I woke up with you it-it felt right. It felt like you belong with me, like you meant to be with me, not just when we workin' but always."

Deaq looked over at Van for the first time since they had got into the car. The silence that followed Deaq's confession wasn't too reassuring.

"I do," Van said quietly.

"Do what?"

"Belong with you. We need each other."

"I meant more than work, Van."

Taking his eyes from the road for a moment Van looked at Deaq, eyes full of hope. "So did I."

End

~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~