I've got this sinking feeling that maybe he's figured it out. There's just something about the way he acts lately. He's distant and when he looks at me he seems sort of sad. Probably just feels sorry for me, feels badly that his partner turned out to be a closet queer. I've seen that look before. I hate it. It's why I couldn't tell him.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure Deaq's not a homophobe or anything. If he really had a problem with gays (or bi's in my case) I'm sure he'd have mentioned it by now. It's just when I see him looking at me like that I know what he's thinking and it's not good. I really wanted to keep it from him. I thought I was doing a good job of it too. It's not easy spending that much time working close with someone you're secretly attracted to. But hey, I can fake pretty much anything. It's just that sometimes it gets to be too much and I just have to get away from him. I mean I can only hide it so much, you know?

My hotel, it's a full service place. Dry cleaner, restaurant, valet and oh yeah, plenty of hot employees who don't mind paying special "visits" to high paying guests. Yup, I can call the front desk and order sex as easily as a cheeseburger. And yeah, it's not right. I hate it, but at least I'm not leading anybody on. They know why they're coming to my room. I couldn't bear to go pick up somebody from a bar and then turn around and tell them I don't want to see them again. This way, well, it's still using but at least I don't have to lie about it. I'm so sick of lying and faking.

I mean the job, that's one thing. I do what I have to there but I don't want to have to lie to Deaq. He's the only one I shouldn't have to lie to. But I do, I have, all because I never wanted to see that look on his face. That goddamn look that says, "Van, I know you like screwing guys but I'm not going to say anything about it." Just sit back and silently judge me. That fucking look! If I thought it was bad to keep seeing it on my father's face then it's absolutely unbearable to see it on Deaq. And it's not just the look either. It's all that it means.

I thought I could hide it from Deaq but now, every time he talks to me it's like there's this sad regret in his voice. I want to ask him if he's sorry he ever partnered up with someone like me. Sometimes I can't stand it anymore and I want to just say, "Hey, are you gonna ask Billie to split us up?" He never says anything like that but I think he's considering it. It's been like this for two weeks now and I can't take it much longer.

**************

Two weeks ago:
Deaq's driving me home and he keeps talking. I just sort of nod and go, "uh-huh" and "yeah" where it seems appropriate. All I can think about is getting away from him. And it's so damn ironic 'cause really, he's all I want. I know if I don't get out of this car soon I'm going to snap.

We pull up to the hotel and I get the feeling he's going to ask if I want to grab dinner with him or something. I want to yell at him, "If I don't get away from you right now I'm gonna shove my tongue down your throat and if you like that my dick will be next!" Of course I'd never say that. Hell, I'd never do that to him but I'm just so horny right now and he looks so hot sitting there in that sleeveless shirt, powerful arms glowing in the sunlight, it's all I can do to keep myself from saying the wrong thing. When I get like this it's better that I don't say much. It would be so easy to let the wrong thing slip.

I get out of the car and tell him I'll see him in the morning and that I'm going to catch up on sleep before he says anything about hanging out. I tell him I'm going to get some room service just to head off any suggestions about going for dinner. If he only knew...

Linda's working the front desk. I say hi and she smiles at me, does this suggestive but still subtle thing with her tongue. I kinda hate to burst her bubble but tonight she's not what I'm in the mood for. Not even close. She's amazing in bed and all and we always have a good time but tonight I want something different, need something different.

I tell her the shower head is clogged again and I need a service guy to come fix it. I emphasize the "guy" and she gets my drift. She's disappointed and I start to feel bad but then I remember that the whole point of this arrangement is that I don't have to feel guilty because it's not like we're in a relationship or anything. No relationships, no commitment, just using. But really, I know it's not just me that's using. I mean I'm considerate, they get what they want from me too. Cash, orgasms, a break from the regular monotony of life, whatever. It's not totally parasitic on my part. I couldn't bear it if it was.

She asks me if I'd like Glen to come up to fix the shower head. I say Glen would be fine. I make sure to compliment her new hair cut before I leave to go upstairs. She's pleased I noticed and I smile at her as I say goodnight. As I get into the elevator I'm sure she knows that I still like her, even if I don't want her coming by tonight.

I'm alone in the elevator and for some reason I start thinking of The Towering Inferno which just pisses me off since I'm trying not to think about Deaq right now. I let out a sigh and remember that he's not here and I can't screw up anything right now. I relax because I'm home (such as it is) and I don't have to be on guard any more. Nobody's going to try to kill me or put me in a position where I have to hide my feelings right now so I can let my guard down.

I go into my suite, strip down and jump into the shower. The shower head is, of course, working just fine. Glen will have something else to service when he gets here. Of course I find myself again thinking about Deaq. Somehow my thoughts always seem to circle around, back to him. He seemed a bit pissed off when he dropped me off. Maybe I was wrong about him wanting to hang out tonight. I can't figure what I missed though.

I get out of the shower, pull on a pair of jeans and a shirt that I can't be bothered doing up. There's a knock at the door and for a brief moment I wish it would be Deaq. When I open it and find Glen I suppose I'm relieved since Deaq really wouldn't appreciate me answering the door with a hard on. I don't know what it is about him but even when he's not around he makes me hot. But Glen's here and I have to remember that he's not Deaq. It's better really, 'cause if I don't get off soon I'm going to go nuts.

Glen has this annoying habit of always trying to make it like he's reading the lines of a porn film. He says, "So, I hear you're having some problems with your shower head. Maybe it's clogged. I have all the tools to fix that problem." Thing is he says it in this obnoxious voice and stands there like he thinks he's posing a working man calendar. Okay, we both know why you're here so can we cut the bullshit already? I don't say it out loud. I tell him to come in, I have a use for some tools, have something for him to service. Hey, he wants to say all the stupid, bad porn dialogue the least I can do is play along.

I suddenly find myself shoved back against the wall. I hit it a little harder than the neighbours probably appreciate, but what the hell I don't have to deal with them, it's not like most people stay here more than a week. I'm not most people.

Glen starts sucking on my neck, making his way down my chest. He has a very talented tongue and I remember why I put up with his lame porn dialogue. He pulls off his shirt and then mine before shoving me back against the wall. He pins me there, rubbing his body against mine as we kiss roughly. We've done this enough times that he knows how I like it, doesn't need to ask.

In a lot of ways he's everything that Deaq's not. Glen's a lot bigger than Deaq, he's white and not especially hansom. I mean he's a good enough looking guy and all but he's got rougher looks and several large tatoos on each arm. The point is he's different enough from Deaq that I don't lose myself and forget who I'm with yet he's enough like Deaq, well physically anyway, that I can drift just a bit.

Glen yanks down my pants and before I know it I'm half way down his throat. I throw my head back and groan. It's all I can do not to be louder about it. This guy's really good. And now it's time for my little fantasy. As Glen works his magic I think of Deaq doing that to me. I imagine his strong hands on my ass pulling me deeper into him, of his full lips surrounding me, the way his short goatee feels when it brushes over my body as he kisses me everywhere. I think of his powerful arms holding himself up as he thrusts into me, of the way the muscles in his back flex and move under my finger tips, how he's so tight I have to grit my teeth and hold back as he adjusts.

I'm getting close and I tell Glen to stop. I don't want to cum in his mouth. He knows how I feel about that. There's only one man I want to do that with and it sure as hell isn't Glen. I guess it's stupid, I mean it's not that big a deal, but it matters to me. I guess it's just one of those little arbitrary decisions on what to share. Anyway, he doesn't stop and that pisses me off. I tell him again and this time it's not exactly a bedroom voice I use.

He pulls back and looks up at me like, "What the fuck?" I ask him his name. I know he's Glen but I need to hear him say it. I guess I want to pretend that we haven't done this all those times before. And I need to hear him say that he's not Deaq. I can't get lost in some sick fantasy. I'm not going to do that to myself and, even if I'm pissed with him for not stopping when I said, I won't do it to Glen. I won't use him like that.

He says, "I'm Glen, Mr. Strummer, remember?"

I lose it, yell at him to get the fuck out. He's totally confused and asks what the problem is but I grab his shirt from the floor and throw it at him. It hits him in the face and when he pulls it away I can see that he's still not clear about what's happening. He starts to apologize and somehow that makes me even more angry. I guess he gets the picture because I see his eyes dart nervously to my gun on the end table. He gets some of his nerve back and tells me I can just fix my own damn shower head from now on. He slams the door when he leaves.

I just stand there, leaning against the wall, pants still around my knees. And still as hard as ever. I really shouldn't have yelled at him. It's just when he called me Mr. Strummer in that stupid tone I couldn't take it. It's that same stupid way he always says it when he sees me around the hotel. I'll be damned if I'm going to have him talk to me like the fucking people greeter in Walmart after he sucks my dick. And hearing "Mr. Strummer" just set me off too. I'm used to it the rest of the time but I don't want to have to fake stuff during sex. I was trying to keep this as real as I could. Glen knows my first name, he's moaned it enough times before.

Fuck! I'm such an ass. I should have had one of the girls come up. I wouldn't have yelled at them to get the fuck out. At least with them I can almost forget about Deaq. And somehow, I don't want that. It's like I have to keep doing this to myself. Just a bit of a lie to keep me happy but never the whole thing. I can't just lose myself in the idea of him completely. If I did that then ... I don't know. I guess it would never be enough and I'd want him even more badly, if that's even possible.

Screw it! I grab my cock and start stroking it. If nobody else's here then I can lose myself all I want. Nobody's here for me to call the wrong name. The only person here who'll get messed up by this is me and right now I don't think I could make things much worse.

I imagine it's Deaq's hand moving up and down my length, his fingers tightening just a little at the end of the stroke. Laying on the beach as he gives me a hand job. He looks so amazing in the bright sunshine. I might as well imagine it 'cause Deaq's never gonna to do it for me, especially on the beach. He runs his free hand across my chest. He leans over me, puts his lips to my ear and whispers that he loves me.

I sigh and cum hard, slowing my stroke. As the last tremors subside I hear myself sigh again and say his name as my knees buckle and I slide down the wall to sit on the floor. I'm panting a bit as the images of a sun covered Deaq against a blue backdrop of sky and ocean fade from my mind.

Finally I get up and head for the bedroom feeling exhausted and knowing that what just happened is the closest I'm ever going to get to having any kind of sex with Deaq. I wish for the millionth time that I could let it go and just enjoy being his partner and friend without being so attracted to him. Just my luck I get partnered with one of the few guys I've ever met who has the looks to go along with the right personality, charm and ability to tolerate me.

***********

So two weeks ago, that's when I think Deaq must have figured me out. I think it might have been Glen that tipped him off too. The guy pulls that, "Good morning, Mr. Strummer" in that smarmy voice when Deaq came to pick me up. He gave me a wink and walked off, swinging his hips and acting just about as flamboyant as possible. Glen is normally as straight acting as anyone so I know he did it just to make things harder for me.

Deaq turned to me with this look on his face like he'd just figured it out. Glen must have been the last evidence he needed. I act straight enough I think but really, you can't hide everything. Sure, Deaq knows I have sex with women but he probably thinks I'm a fag in denial or something. He even made fun of the way I wear my pants.

So I'm waiting here in the lobby for him to pick me up. I'm running a bit early and I probably should have just stayed in my room but I wanted to get this day over with. This case we're on is a pain but it should be over with today. I keep worrying that Deaq's going to ask Billie for a new partner when it raps up. I can't lose Deaq even if it means I have to see that look on his face everyday. I hope someday he'll get over it and be less disgusted with me.

Bonnie comes over to where I'm sitting and asks if I'm alright. She seems serious and I realize I probably look like my world is crumbling around me. I tell her I'm fine, it's just that work has been difficult lately. She says she understands and she leans down and gives me a hug. I can't help but return it 'cause it's just what I need right now. Then she says she'll be working tonight if I need anything and heads back to her place at the reception desk. I don't like to think that far ahead right now but since the thing with Glen I haven't been having any of the male employees up any more. I know it's stupid but I keep feeling like Deaq will know and he'll be disappointed or something.

**********

That night:

This is officially going down as one of the worst days I've ever had. Let's see I let a witness get killed, I got Billie thoroughly pissed with me and oh, wait there's more: I sort of accidentally told Deaq I love him. Yeah, not one of my shining moments.

There we were, the witness was dead, his blood sprayed all over us both. We were outnumbered, out gunned and almost out of bullets. Now Deaq and I, we've been in some pretty bad situations before, but this looked really grim. I thought we were toast and I don't know I guess I sort of blurted it out before I thought about what I was saying. Deaq didn't say anything, just sort of stared at me dumbstruck. Then he jumped up and returned fire and so did I. I don't know how but we made it out of there in. Billie met us outside and as soon as she found out it wasn't our blood we were covered in she started tearing us new ones.

Deaq and I didn't have a chance to talk in private until the ride home. He didn't say a word the whole time. I couldn't bring myself to talk either. If he wasn't planning on finding a new partner before he must be now. He pulled up to the front doors and I just got out. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even get myself to apologize because it was true what I said even though I should never have said it.

I push open the glass door and walk in. Right away I get some pretty strange looks. I'd almost forgotten I was covered in the half dried blood of the person I couldn't protect. Bonnie runs over, shouting, "Oh my God! Van! Are you alright?"

See right there I know it's bad since she calls me by my first name outside of my room. Not only that but the hotel manager is there and hears it. He gets one look at me and hurries over. After asking if I'm hurt he tells me, and not for the first time, that if I'm going to show up looking like this I need to use the back door. I almost tell him where to go but instead I turn to him and request a nine o'clock wake up call. I guess that's not the response he was expecting because he just looks at me opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

I leave but Bonnie trails after me as I head for the elevators. She asks if I want her to come up with me. I snap at her that this really isn't the time for that. She looks hurt and says she didn't mean it like that. Says she meant did I need any help because I looked upset and she wasn't sure that wasn't all someone elses blood. I tell her to just make sure I get a wake up call at nine and watch her stand there as the elevator doors closes between us.

Another fine job with that one. I've pretty much decided there's no way anything is going to work out well today. I've also decided that the whole "room service sex" thing has got to stop. No matter what somebody does gets hurt. I can't do it any more but it's not like there's an easy alternative ...

I finally get out of the blood stained clothes. I feel badly that he died but the guy was a murderer himself. Turning on his business partners and helping us ended badly for him. I wish I could have prevented it but realistically I know it was unavoidable given the situation. What WAS avoidable was blurting like an idiot that I love Deaq. I can't even imagine how disgusted he must be with me right now. I bet he drove right over to see Billie about getting rid of me. Ugh, I gotta get some sleep. I can't deal with this.

*****************

*knock knock*

I roll over and look at the clock to see that it's 8:58. It's dark out the window so I've only been asleep a few hours. How could they possibly think I meant nine at night? Who orders a wake up call for nine AT NIGHT?

*knock knock*

I get up and yank on some pants. What the heck, why would they send someone up here rather than just phone like usual? I grab the door handle and get ready to chew out whoever was stupid enough to wake me up.

**************************

Van throws open the door like he's ready to kill me. That's not a really good sign. I say I'm sorry for waking him and ask if I can come on. He opens the door wider and heads for the living room area. I follow him, a little concerned that he's not talking. I wonder if he's going to play it like he never said it, never said he loves me.

I drove around for the last few hours trying to figure it out. At first I thought he just panicked or something and didn't want the last thing he said to me to be bad. But the more I think about it I wonder if he wasn't serious. Maybe he doesn't realize it but does have feelings for me. Probably not, just me desperately trying to make it true in my head. It's just now I know there's this chance, this little chance that Van does care about me that way.

It's like every time I see him, ever since that night when he was with that guy and I listened in, I just feel so much worse. Now I know he goes both ways but he doesn't go for me. It's a tease that he could but doesn't. No, more than a tease, it hurts.

In a way it's worse now. Before, when I thought he was straight, at least I didn't feel like he was rejecting me. Now I just know it's even less a possibility, him and I. Now I know he really doesn't want me. I can't even imagine it anymore, being with him. It's weird since now I know he does sleep with guys.

But after what he said today, even if it was a panicked confession when he thought we were going to die, I think maybe, maybe there's a chance.

"Did you mean it? What you said today, that you love me, did you mean that?" I ask him. I'm surprised my voice doesn't even shake when I ask. I need to know so badly I think I'll burst if he doesn't tell me, one way or the other.

***********************

There it is, Deaq's asking. I don't know what he wants to hear. I don't know what to tell him. I figure the damage is done though. I already said it and he's obviously not willing to let it go. I might as well let him know that I'm a misguided queer rather than an idiot who spouts nonsense under pressure. "Yes. I meant it," I tell him, looking him right in the eyes.

He starts moving toward me and I won't fight back if he thinks he should pound me one for saying it. I close my eyes and wait for him to hit me.

Rather than a punch I feel him lips lightly pressed to mine. Gently he wraps his arms around me. I feel his tongue softly moving against my lips and I open and suddenly I realize what's happening: it's Deaq and he's kissing me - for real.

After a moment he pulls back and we stare each other in the eyes. I can only imagine how surprised I must look but all I see in his face is happiness and acceptance, they very things I never thought he'd have where I was concerned. Before I lean in to kiss him again I just smile and say his name, like saying it makes it true. Maybe I just want to say it because now it is true.

End

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