The
flipping, thumping, shifting and turning noises from the bed next to
his were just enough to keep Dean awake.
At
first he’d been irritated by Sam’s obvious inability to
sleep properly, or, most nights, at all. Irritation had given way to
concern as more time passed and the weight of guilt or sadness or maybe
even fear kept his brother from getting any rest. Concern, in time,
had become frustration as Dean had exactly zero success in helping Sam
deal with whatever was bugging around in his furry head. Not that he’d
received any help whatsoever when he tried, however awkwardly, to get
Sam to talk about it. And tonight, as Dean lay awake listening to his
sibling restlessly flopping around on the squeaky motel mattress, frustration
was quickly morphing full circle into irritation.
Things
were never this complicated with Dad. But then Dean had always said
Sam could complicate making a bowl of oatmeal.
Dean
knew a quick fix. Deciding to use it, however, was taking considerably
longer than he wanted.
After
another half hour of laying in the dark listening to Sam flip and flop
around like he was trying to Shake and Bake himself in the ratty motel
blankets, Dean let out a growling sigh and yanked the covers back violently.
“Dean?
What’s going on?” Sam asked, his voice soft but full of
alarm.
What
a loaded question that was. Dean thought for a moment of several answers,
‘Sam! Look out!’ being the nastiest, just to watch his brother
scramble to attention for the hell of it.
“Just
getting up to take a piss, man,” he said, heading for the bathroom.
“Go back to sleep unless you wanna come in here and hold it for
me.”
“Cute,”
he heard Sam say, sounding vaguely annoyed as he pushed the door shut
behind him with his heel.
Flicking
on the fluorescent light, Dean was not at all impressed by the squinty,
tired, and surprisingly old looking face staring back at him. He was
ass tired, moreso than he’d been in weeks, yet for some reason
he just couldn’t sleep with Sammy awake and fidgiting. Hell, usually
he didn’t mind if Sam watched tv, read, pissed around on the computer
at all hours. He could sleep through it all because somewhere in the
back of his perceptions, he knew it was Sammy near him and not a threat
as he laid asleep and vulnerable. The only thing that tended to fuck
up his rest was when Sam came and went from their room.
Shaking
his head at his less than stellar reflection, Dean grabbed a glass of
water.
He
knew that Sam had to be aware that all the sleepless nights were beginning
to have an effect on both of them, that all the not sleeping his little
brother was doing was becoming a strain on him as well. Just like they
both knew Sam was definitely not sleeping just now when Dean got up.
Just like they both knew Sam wasn’t getting any better, wasn’t
having less nightmares. And it didn’t matter that tonight, probably
in deference to his exhausted brother, Sam had at least pretended to
try and sleep rather than watch tv or research.
How
was it that they knew these kinds of things, but insisted on keeping
up appearances? Why did Sam pretend to be fine, running for weeks and
months on barely any sleep, nodding off and gasping himself awake in
the car’s passenger seat nearly everyday? Why did Dean keep pretending
this wasn’t bothering him to the point that he was awake at all
hours worrying over it?
And
not for the first time, he decided it was stupid. He should just go
out there, smack his brother upside the head, and force the brat to
get his baggage worked through. It was annoying as hell for one of them
to be kept mostly awake and tormented when asleep by this stuff but
it could very well prove fatal if neither were totally sharp on a hunt.
Or, if Dean plowed the car into a phone pole cause he was struck by
some kind of sleep deprived, sibling induced narcolepsy - yeah, that
could be pretty damn deadly too.
Okay,
decided then. He’d go out there, do what he had to do. Smack some
sense into his stubborn little bro, have their little Oprah moment (Dean
suppressed an involuntary shudder) and be done with it. And if there
was some not-resulting-in-serious-injury hitting going on, then maybe,
just maybe, this wouldn’t be the most sappy and bear-your-soul-to-me
conversation ever.
Yeah,
that’s it.
Dean
smirked and nodded at his reflection. Making Sam deal with his feelings
needn’t be a total chick flick moment if done like men. Hell,
he’d go out there and kick a little ass right now and this would
all be over within a few minutes, and he could get in a few good hours
of sleep before they headed back on the road in the morning.
Dean
flipped off the light and slowly opened the door. Silently he moved
across the room, ready to pounce on the long, blanket covered form of
his pretending-to-sleep brother. Element of surprise, yeah, that would
ensure this worked, he thought.
And
somewhere between the bathroom door and where Sam laid on the bed, Dean
began to realize that feelings probably weren’t meant to be dealt
with in the same way as monsters and spirits.
Sitting
on the edge of his own bed, Dean looked down at Sam, feeling his brow
wrinkle in a way that was becoming so much habit these days he was sure
it would stay like that.
“Sammy?”
he said, looking at his brother’s face in the soft glow of the
orange porch light peeking through the holes in the drawn curtains.
Sam
looked all of about 14 laying there, curled up, head poking out of the
blankets, stray bits of hair falling into his eyes. The blank look that
had been forced onto his face most of the time these days had been tossed
away like the mask that it was.
Dean
didn’t know what Sam was feeling, maybe he never would again.
They had grown far apart during the two year separation, and with all
that was happening with their Dad, what had become of Jess, hunting
again but as just the two of them - it was all responsible for changing
the dynamic pretty drastically. Gone were the days when Dean could read
Sam like a book and know just what he was thinking. Well, not that he’d
even been THAT easy to understand, but it had been a lot more likely
he could figure it out. Of course back then, Sam would freely open up
to him and tell him anything, often a lot more than Dean knew what to
do with. Knowing he’d lost that, that they’d never be that
close again suddenly hurt very badly, perhaps more now than it had when
Sammy had left.
“You
okay?” Dean asked.
Sam
just shook his head slightly against the pillow, not offering up anything
more than that. The fixed blank look was coming over his features again,
but his eyes remained haunted, tormented. Finally wriggling out of the
blankets to sit up, Sam sighed, a weary sound more suited to a man three
times his age.
“Sorry
I’m keeping you awake,” he said, looking down. Dean started
to protest, to deny that Sam’s frying bacon routine was any kind
of interruption to his snoozing time (because what were the Winchesters
if not great at keeping up the appearance of normality by denying their
own problems), but Sam held up a hand and stopped him. “I’m
going to go to the drug store tomorrow and get something, that way we
can both get some sleep for once.”
“That
crap’s not going to work for you,” Dean said, knowing that
at best it would be a temporary fix. While he still wasn’t sure
the exact nature of Sam’s nightmares, he could guess enough to
know they weren’t going to back down because of a couple blue
pills. If Sam couldn’t just forget or move on, he was going to
have to deal with his problems. Forgetting and moving on was not an
option for Sam, never had been in matters of guilt and sorrow, so the
only option left would be to face his demons (for surely what ate him
up inside every night was as furious and damaging as any spirit or creature
they dispatched in the real world). Not that Dean was all that happy
about playing shrink to Sam, despite the times he’d tried to get
him to open up over the past weeks, but if there was one thing he knew
it was that Sam would need to start talking and dealing with this stuff,
or it was going to destroy him. Maybe destroy them both.
“Yeah,
I know,” Sam said, sounding almost dejected, remembering that
last time he’d used sleeping pills for similar problems while
away at school, the results had not been very impressive.
Having
long since abandoned his plan to “jump” his brother and
practically beat the issues out of him, Dean took a deep breath and
asked Sam if he wanted to talk about it. He still wasn’t keen
on having a big sappy conversation, but watching his brother be torn
apart night after night, dream after dream by his own conscience and
feelings wasn’t an option either. No, Dean would definitely suck
it up like a man and spend the time talking like sissies, just like
his baby bro needed, if that would end Sam’s suffering.
Though
he wouldn’t ask, Dean just wanted to know why the hell Sam had
become so much more closed off and distant since he left. This could
have been resolved a hell of a lot faster if Sam would just hurry up
and spill. Was a time he couldn’t shut the guy up with all the
talk of feelings and fears and guilt that poor Sammy never learned to
ignore and forget quite the way the rest of his family did after a hunt.
For all the times Dean had bitched and moaned to himself about Sammy’s
need to talk every last emotional issue to death just to let it go,
Dean wished more than anything Sam would at least give him a little
to go on now.
“No,
I just, I don’t wanna talk about it,” Sam said, laying down
again, yanking the covers over his shoulder, but not turning away from
Dean.
Dean
looked at Sam. Though Sam was no longer giving him eye contact, Dean
was no less aware of the sadness and confusion that remained in his
brothers’s espression. The dark circles under those eyes drew
his attention too.
Making
his decision, Dean stood up and walked around the bed, sitting down
on top of the blankets, his leg stretched out against Sam’s back.
Slouching against the headboard, Dean felt Sam’s back tense.
“What
are you doing?” Sam asked, turning his head awkwardly up and behind
him to look at Dean.
“I
need some sleep. I’m going to GET some sleep. And right now, I
don’t care what I have to do to get it.”
Sam
was now totally rigid and about half a second away from getting out
of the bed. He didn’t think Dean was likely to knock him out just
to get some shut eye (and even if that was the plan, then why get into
the bed with him?), but Sam was not at all comfortable with what Dean
had just said.
“Relax,
Sammy. I’m not possessed by an evil spirit or about to strangle
you,” Dean reassured him, guessing why Sam had suddenly gone stiff
as a board against him. “Just trust me.”
Dean
turned Sam’s head so that it was back on the pillow, facing the
empty bed and not craned around to try and look at him. Moving his fingers
down the shaggy long hair, gently across Sam’s cheekbone, Dean
began to use his secret weapon. Very softly he stroked one finger down
Sam’s nose. He repeated the action several times and felt Sam
begin to relax against him. Trailing the finger along the familiar path,
he leaned over just enough to see Sam’s eyes already drifting
shut. Within a couple minutes, Sam’s breathing had slowed and
he was relaxed into sleep.
Dean
thought back to his old house when his mom had still been alive and
the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world. Little baby Sammy
had cried himself out, but had still been fussing and squirming in the
crib when his Mom had put him down and noticed Dean standing in the
doorway. She had pulled down the side of Sammy’s crib and hefted
Dean up to sit on the edge.
“See
Dean, when you do this he starts to fall asleep,” his mom had
told him as she soothed the fussy baby. “You try it,” she
encouraged. “You just have to be very gentle or he’ll wake
back up,” she said, helping young Dean by holding his arm and
guiding his motions as he stroked baby Sammy’s nose. “That’s
it. Look how good you are at this,” she said quietly to Dean,
her little boy beaming as he watched his baby brother stop wiggling
around.
“Do
you like taking care of Sammy, Dean?” she asked, already knowing
the answer.
“Yes
Mom!” Dean said, whispering excitedly, trying his hardest to make
his clumsy young fingers as steady as his mother’s were on the
baby’s tiny nose.
“I
know you’re too little to pick him up and rock him, Dean, so whenever
you do this, Sammy will know you love him and care about him and you
want him to be peaceful. Do you understand, Dean?”
“I
understand, Mommy,” Dean had said with the total sincerity that
is owned by the very young.
So
as he sat beside his brother, twenty some years later, in some shabby
nameless motel in the middle of nowhere, petting Sam like a cat, Dean
felt only a little silly about his actions. Still sitting against the
headboard, Sam curled up beside him, Dean started to dose off, the repeated
action lulling himself to sleep. No matter how screwed up his family
had become, at least he could still remember when they had all been
together, still been alright. Maybe that was why he wasn’t the
one tormented by nightmares; perhaps it was in those hazy memories that
he found his peace.
Taking
one more peek to see that Sam was still very much relaxed and unconscious,
and sending a little thought of thanks to his mother, Dean fell asleep.
End
~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~